LETTERS FROM MR. EASLEY

Letter No. 107: Justin Bieber

Dear Justin Bieber,

You probably get crazy amounts of fan mail. But if I’m not really a fan does it qualify as fan mail? There’s hate mail, but even my harshest letters to celebrities and the like I wouldn’t qualify as “hate mail”. Hate as we all should know is a strong word. What’s the middle ground. Just mail? You probably get little if any regular mail. You’re sixteen so the Con-Edison bill probably has your mom’s name on it. And I think you’re not old enough to have a credit card, even though you probably have crazy bread. Maybe shit is different in Canada. I don’t know. Never been there.

If you’re still reading you’re probably wondering why the fuck is this dude writing me a letter. When is it going to become wildly creep like the rest of your correspondence from adult men, but fortunately you’re mistaken. I barely know who you are. In fact I’m only writing you because my dude (pause) Yeezy tweeted you a few times and I figure if he fucks with you why shouldn’t I. 

I’m still not going to listen to your music. I heard that Baby song with Ludacris, who by the way is super washed up I’m not a celebrity nor am I famous and I wouldn’t answer his calls, asked myself why? Buddy, you’re sixteen and rich, even if you were sixteen and broke I would tell you don’t sweat a bitch. For starters all the hot ones you know, about half of them when their metabolism kicks in for the worst, they’re going to put on like ten to twenty pounds mostly in the wrong places. Secondly some of the  ugly ones that are smart and have good personalities will be hot, those are the ones you want. But look out for the ugly ducklings that will get hot but have serious issues with men.

Regardless of all that, you have two platinum albums that to me seem like the same shit twice. I haven’t listened to either, but you just added “2.0” how much different can your world be a year later. If I had as many grown and adolescent women alike jocking me as hard as they do you I’d be doing some extra shit just cause. Stuff that in all reality is disgusting and the idea that people get off on it is pretty sickening, but only because you could get away with it. I’m talking like make threesomes look like some tame regular people shit, like never use an actual toilet again if you get my drift. Fist girls only so you can be so disgusted with them letting you do that you never want to see them again kind sort of thing. 

Anyhow, I would say you could get on the record me and Kanye are working on but that would be a lie. I don’t want you on it. No offense. I’ll give you’re a popular guy and you sell lots of records. But seriously, I watched a video of you freestyling on Tim Westwood’s radio show and wanted to kill myself. 

Sincerely,

Mr. Chandler Easley

603 W. 115th St. #177
New York, NY 10025